I need to start being more consistent.
Yes yes yes.
Need to be more on the ball with things.
I'm starting to wonder how the hell I managed to hold down a job, play in a band, be someone's girlfriend, work out AND compete in fitness competitions... and still write in a blog.
Technically I should be able to manage this now. I've got no band (a sad, sad, fact), no gym time (also sad) - which means no competitions since I'm some underweight 40-kilo weakling that wouldn't stand a chance against kindergarten kids (pathetic!), don't spend much time with the love of my life (even though we actually SEE each other every day at work... but SEE is all we do most times. That, and pass by each other since we're both working on different things), hardly see the family (thanks to my transient entries and exits at odd hours) or my friends (who constantly tell me to chill out and stop working so much)....
So what's taking my time?
Work.
Well to be fair to myself (heh heh cos NO ONE ELSE would do that, innit?) I've got more than one job. On and off the screen. And then there's the emcee jobs. And the side job for another channel on our network.
When one is approaching the dreaded 3-0, ensuring financial security seems to be a lot more relevant. Happy go lucky is one thing - but damn we're making crap money in the TeeVee world I tell ya. So we supplement income in other ways so we can do things that adults do. Like buy a car, a house, go shopping without fear, treat ourselves to nice dinners and holidays, give our loved ones well-deserved treats and such.
I'd really like the financial independance, freedom to live without worrying about how I'm going to maintain or improve my lifestyle somewhere down the line.
But it can be a damper to bust your ass for half price after a while. That, my friends, is the secret of the trade known as "inhouse talent value". Ironic isn't it, that sometimes the people who are closest to you, undermine and undervalue you -- and yet strangers seem to find you more capable, talented and worthy of better renumeration.
It's not an easy mindset to work with; but then again I believe that if you work honestly, ethically and with passion, creativity and a good heart -- good things will happen.
But then again - most of the good people seem to be happy AND poor.
I just want to get the material side of my life sorted. Then I can sit back and start working out the more important things in life. Cos I can't even hack it on my own totally if it weren't for the outside jobs. Sad but true.
But I should try to blog more. There are bigger issues than not making enough money to live my current lo-fi lifestyle AND try to finally buy a damn house so you can finally move out (and marriage is the only other option to escape... which will REALLY take more time because they cost just as much as some houses man)
Ah. I'm starting to get nervous about turning 30 next year. I got to be sorted by then. Or my parents will start increasing the "bebel" factor.
11:57 PM
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Tribute to the "Thinking Room"
It's my little escape hatch, the "panic room" in my office.
Very necessary when I spend the bulk of my existence - and where the bulk of my stress comes from as well.
Sometimes it's where I catch my breath, hold my composure, pull myself together... and touch up my makeup/check my outfit for kinks...
Yeah, you guessed right. It's one of the cubicles in the toilet.
In fact it's the one at the end, the biggest cubicle with the biggest mirror you ever saw.
Space for the, ahem, necessary bodily functions; space for hanging clothes and bags and doing makeup and such; space for thinking without feeling claustrophobic, space to just be left alone.
I usually play a game on the DS in there, but recently I've moved back to the Sudoku because it's much faster to finish and less of a distraction than an aid for focus.
I'm in there before a big meeting (getting my thoughts organized, pulling myself together, checking my makeup and hair); before the shows (same thing, more focus on makeup and hair); and as of late... a place to put my negative thoughts onto paper so I don't say or do anything that I will regret.
LOTS of vents.
Which I figure I'll put in here eventually.
But now I gotta get home, chill out and prep for a LONG day tomoro.
LOOONG DAY. Of being perky and energetic and fun and happy in the hot hot hot hot outdoor sun. And sensory overload with music screaming from all speakers.
Ah. Sure my job is "technically" easy. But no one said it's not work as well. I love it but heck it's still tiring laaa. Especially when I've had 3 hours sleep on average this week.
Talk about things we do to make money. Heheh.
11:38 PM
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Lost & Found
Well, well.
It HAS been awhile.
And a lot of developments - good and bad - in my personal life that I don't really want to wax poetic on... especially with the amount of self-appointed moral guardians making sure, that even in the free space called the Internet blogs should be watched and regulated to prevent anything otehr than the "correct" reality to be portrayed lest we start some sort of revolution of proactive thinking that will jeopardize the sleepy passive acceptance of status quo we're all used to.
Or, heaven forbid, we make our country look bad for the tourists...
But I need a place to vent.
And so do all of you, blogger or otherwise.
And these are my opinions and my opinions alone, some of you may share them and some won't. And since we're bombarded with only a select bunch of people's opinions (read : the policymakers and attention-seeking MPs) we should have a place for an alternate view. And the internet lets us have that since no avenues are available without us being cuffed and thrown behind bars for challenging the decisions of those who (think they) know what's best.
But isn't challenging the status quo the key to impetus of growth, development, progress, improvement? Shouldn't decision makers be happy that there are those who actually think about what happens around them, disturbed by injustice (like MPs continuously spouting sexist/racist rubbish when they're actually awake in the Parliament? - Or are all these clips we receive on the Internet well-produced fakes?)
Ah.
I'm back.
6:23 PM
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Ape Cerite, Bunge Seri Pagi?
ya ya ya. Trying to be clever lah. TRYING be the key word.
Well let's see what happened.
Well I'm crossing my fingers on trying to open a gateway for my independant musician sisters and brothers of the country. Gateway of understanding lah. Not flight tickets to a country where music and creative talents are appreciated,not persecuted and stepped on with prejudice and ignorance. Sorry guys we need to go the right way first.
Also was a guest at the historical most ostentatious wedding of the century. It was alright, I think hyping something way beyond expectations will only result in some disappointment. And you know what? Everyone should just leave the couple the hell alone after this. I mean we've all given them enough crap, they celebrated their special day with millions of people here (and abroad!), yet those closest to them were either absent or half-heartedly there. So enough is enough lah. Let them live in peace lah. I don't understand why Siti's fans are so damn shallow that a simple decision on who she wants to be with, would influence how much they like her. Isn't it about her vocal talent, showmanship, performance quality?
Well then again, look at The Great Malaysian Phenomenon Mawi (phenomenon cos we're still trying to figure out how average singing abilities, little to no presence in person, and average Mat looks would actually garner nationwide adoration. Oh wait. It's the Quran reading skills ain't it?). Worshipped by Malaysians, the Felda poster boy quickly lost his grip on Minahs and Mak Ciks across the country when he predictably dumped ex-unibrowed ex-fiance. And then with the woman writing a book? What could you possibly write about? How many pages can you soak in self pity for being dumped? You saw it coming waaaay back.... and then you cheapen yourself further by going on national tv to wallow in more self pity, demanding pity from the world around you too.... ouch. Now THAT's malu.
What else... well the cops gotta buck up with all those reports of violence and abuse. I'd like to one day be able to fully trust my law-enforcers, really I do. And we gotta help them clean up the force and throw out the dirty ones. So keep on whistle-blowing, my brothers and sisters!
And I just recorded the song to my new show. It's pretty cool, I like it. Very Intox. You'll know it when you hear it hehehehe.
And I'm glad I have friends in the workplace and elsewhere who actually listen to me and give a shit about what I do and support me. Cos I'm slowly beginning to realise that ironically as a person who has the platform to be heard by thousands, millions even (if I'm lucky lah) through the media - the only ones who don't seem to give a shit are my own blood. Oh well. Maybe it's their way of making sure I work harder and harder to prove to them I'm actually worth jack shit. Hmmm? To those who are parents or planning to be soon - don't use this reverse psychology man. It's only gonna mess them up in the head... and hurt them in the heart hahahha.
Well at least I can justify all my wrongs now! hahahahahahaha how Hollywood.
2:01 PM
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It's all LIES.
The bullshit we've been taught to believe as kids - that the truth will set you free, that justice will be served, that if you tell the truth, be honest, tell it as it is, you're a good person and good things happen to you.
BullSHIT.
Please lah. YEsterday was the press conference where we heard the other side of the story of the trigger-happy cops terrorizing kids going home after a gig. We saw a video (also can be found at http://www.rakancop666.zoomshare.com/ and youtube) that showed dudes in black shirts and jeans yelling, running after these kids, gun pointed at them.
Hello! This is Malaysia! It's okay apparently because the cops are law enforcers, protectors of the weak, fighters of crime, legally sanctioned to use weapons and gain entry anywhere they want. Everyone has to be nice to them because they do such a great service to our nation.
It includes not showing them anything negative about them at all. Nothing. Nada. No paper whose reporters came yesterday had a story out today. It should've been breaking news. This is a great betrayal of trust by the people entrusted by the citizens (yes, that includes the young people even though in Malaysia we'd never notice if we had half an ounce of rights or voice or acknowledgement as fellow human beings for that matter).
Don't even talk about where I work. We're here to give "nice" news and info, keep the people sedated with mindless entertainment. Our news will never say bad things that might get us in trouble, oh no. Stories of journalists pursuing the truth at any cost, with catchphrases like "The people DESERVE to know the truth!" or "The truth MUST be told" are fairytales that have left out the severe consequences of pissing off the wrong people with the truth.
The kids are easy targets. And the constant acts of intimidation have brought fear into their hearts, and the only info allowed to reach the masses is the fictional stories of debauchery, satan worship, violence and immorality that supposedly governs the lives of these kids. So society - the blind, ignorant, passive lambs they've been conditioned to be - supports the attacks on these kids. And won't tolerate anything else.
Like an alternate viewpoint. I was told before to take off an interview that fairly gives another side of the story. The reason was that we cannot show an alternate viewpoint (despite the fact that it was very reasonable, articulte, intelligent and well thought out, and did not resort to using words that insult or demean the authorities in any way -- a style long forgotten in Parliament).
We cannot show the people an alternate viewpoint that runs contrary to the stand the Government has taken on an issue. Regardless of how fair (or based on real life, gasp!) it may be. It will confuse the public, they told me. Confuse the stupid little obdeient robots. Heaven forbid they develop their own opinions -- and join these horrible subsections of society who listen to different music, dress as they like, make their own opinions without having it stamped in their minds from textbook propaganda.
It's just music.
Why are we such a threat? What is so wrong about playing music here?
And what is so WRONG with wanting to see justice served? I want apologies, for terrorizing young people with guns in the air. It was irresponsible, it was unethical, it was a silly act of machismo to intimidate and show them who's boss la.
If you guys are really so damn good, so damn powerful -- why don't you channel this cowboy-movie gunslinging action to the streets where actual crime is going on. You might find people who are ARMED for a change, that you can attack, you can find snatch thieves (yes, you can start to ronda before someone dies in the neighborhood! Try it! It might actually PREVENT some from happening!), you can keep an eye out for messed up fathers and old men who rape their daughters and little kids, break up street fights and violence....
Look. We only want to see the truth told. This fitnah situation is seriously gone too far. It's bad enough the kids are afraid, they all hate the cops now. These are the people who just want to show power, frighten people, make lives miserable. We know they won't stop (although we don't know what exactly IS their problem with kids playing music when clearly the police force has many tangled nets to break out of based on cases I've seen in the news).
We know that violent acts (especially if based on vindictive malice and hate) will only escalate. They must've done their job well.
We are not from a gun culture dammit. But thanks to them we're afraid that NEXT time, they won't be shooting up in the air.
And if something happens to Paul Millot, we ALL know who is responsible.
All of us, members of the media who couldn't fight enough to do our REAL jobs.
All of the kids who were too afraid to stand up.
All the leaders who blindly supported the violation of rights and the misrepresentation of the independant music scene.
All the Malaysians who read craploids like its the news, support the continuation of people like Akmal Abdullah or Zainal Zawawi (whatever who cares how they're names are lah) to poison people's minds with their bigoted, unresearched, completely pathetic shit excuse for journalism.
I'm ashamed. We should all be. We can't say that we're ready to uphold truth. It's only when it's "allowed to pass".
Hmph. Merdeka? Hahahahahahahahahaha maybe for them lah. Free to reign over us all.
10:14 AM
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One Day They'll Go Too Far...
... and karma will bite them so hard, tear their lives down and expose the lies for what they are.
Apparently the 5-0's from the same station responsible for the New Year's Eve fiasco were back at the same place, and yes the same craploid excuse for a paper made a "report" (well the one that whores out college girls every weekend did the same thing but didn't add on to the story with more fictional fairy tales and labels like bangsat) to frighten gig-goers and musicians into submission, and hence the dream of a mindless obedient robot nation will soon come true.
PLease check out this link.
http://www.hmetro.com.my/Current_News/HM/Tuesday/Setempat/20060822093527/Article/indexm_html
And what if, just WHAT if, this report was wrong?
What if the basis of the raid was unfounded because all legal paperwork was in order?
What if it was just a show of machismo from certain authorities, tipped off by those who are threatened by a lifestyle they can't understand and control and dictate?
Everyone who was there, please speak up, tell the truth.
And it's about time we all stop sitting with our thumbs up our asses.
Merdeka is coming.
It's time we got our merdeka.
The simple freedom to be able to play and enjoy music.
The basic right to get our side of the story heard, not have it quickly stamped out at every juncture because - oh heaven forbid we get people to start THINKING and making their own conclusions. (We need to only have opinions that have been approved and standardized by the big boys, or be branded a trouble maker, disrupting the peace of the nation, etc)
Is it so hard to understand the music scene? Why are we such a threat to them?
Why are they turning the sheep, I mean, masses against the music scene? Why do they hold back the truth (like an alternate viewpoint, eg observation by local independant otais who have never seen any acts of Black Metal satan worship in their years in the scene -- it contradicts the administration's stance on the issue and hence is not allowed to air because it will "confuse" the people.)
Ah. We're all stupid, fellow moron Malaysians. At least in the eyes of our leaders. We need to be TOLD what to think because we're totally incapable of acting on our own.
You tell us about pride in our country... and to tell you the truth, it's come to a point where we need to TRY to keep it there. Because how long can you love something that so obviously hates everything you stand for and will do anything to ensure peace (aka compliance, obedience, passive acceptance).
In the meantime women and children are getting raped (hmmm I wonder what music THEY are listening to?), many are fathers and relatives. Neighborhoods only get better security if someone actually dies from a mugging attack. Parking lot security is stepped up AGAIN after a woman pays with her dignity and sanity. Violence and crime still happens on the streets - and behind closed doors. Road rage, school bullies, sexual harrassment. I could go on and on.
But they'd rather spend their time on stomping out kids who play and love music. Hah. Go figure.
To all organizers : make sure you have ALL legal paperwork in order, and while we know most times there are no weapons at gigs, just make sure. After all, remember the bullshit about how a plexiglass screen for the drums "channels" the force of Satan? They'll do ANYTHING (no matter how stupid it makes them sound) to win.
So we make it ironclad, fitnah-proof.
Don't give them a smidgeon of hope, not even a chance, to justify their actions. As how they have blocked every opportunity to justify ourselves as we all deserve to.
Most of us have at least one form of recording equipment with us, be it the phones or digital cams or dv cams. Keep them on, keep them going, document these events. And if something like NEw YEar's Eve, or the subsequent raids that took place, happen again - this time you will be empowered with the TRUTH to ensure justice and journalism will be practised according to its own sets of ethics and laws and not to personal biases/bigotry/judgement/power trip.
In the meantime, mainstream pop superstars will get busted for a myriad of offences (including repeat drug charges) and yet be forgiven, a gentle slap on the wrist and they're back on stage or screen, looking every bit like the physical toll their drug habit has taken on their bodies, but hey!
They're not "punks" in a gig, not wearing black t-shirts, not writing their own music with their own friggin brains and creativity, not producing their own albums and DIY merchandize, not saving money to buy instruments and pay for jamming.
Wow. The irony is so apparent it's making me freakin sick.
2:08 AM
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Rock on Nani!
I've had the pleasure of knowing Fatimah Abu Bakar (one of my old mentors back in the journo days) and her four outspoken, vivacious, dynamic daughters.
And when slowly (but surely) they started getting involved with showbiz - I wasn't surprised. Their mom was an award-winning actress back in the day... it might've been genetics as well.
Well when Nani (Sharifah Amani to the world) was awarded Best Actress at the recent Filem Festival Malaysia, I was like YEAH! Rock on! Someone different, someone who's not from the typical "schema" types, a fresh, spirited young actress (and a down-to-earth cool selamba chick to boot!).
I thought her spontaneanity was refreshing, honest. And really it was well deserved, and her win symbolized acknowledgement of movies that have received a lot of flak because it didn't fit the fantasy world of insipid love-tragedies and ethnocentricism.
And then the bigots from the "I Love Akmal Abdullah" camp started their attack. How sad, unpredictable and yet strangely amusing in its simple, narrow-minded shallowness.
The two main issues that have gotten their panties in a twist really made me laugh out loud when I read the news the next few days - and sad because there were leaders of the nation who resorted to nit-picking to propagate THEIR personal judgements to the public as the RIGHT way to think.
Issue 1 - The "If I speak in Malay I'll sound stupid so I'll speak English"
Oh no! Akmal and his crew of bigots must've gotten a hard-on the minute she said that! Mana boleh speeking! Itu kan bahasa penjajah, bahasa budaya Barat yang telah menjejaskan kesucian orang muda kita!
And then misinterpreting the statement to be one that degrades the Malay race was totally out of context. I mean, any idiot could've seen through that sentence. Look, she was brought up in an English-speaking environment, her Malay is probably karat and in that moment she would have problems articulating all the thoughts in her head in that short timespace given.
Issue 2 - The "If films like (Gubra) mencemarkan masyarakat, then I hope more films like this will be made!"
You rock girl! Someone HAD to say it in a VERY public place because Akmal's bigotry was happily aired with no control on the main propaganda network. It's fair. But of course, they're not happy about it because only THEIR bigoted views are correct.
Look, you're pissed because it's not some half-assed love story that keeps the masses sedated and not-thinking.
If you don't like - don't watch lah. We don't rave and complain and whine about how WRONG and UNREALISTIC stupid movies like Main Main Cinta, Cinta Fotokopi, Kuliah Cinta, etc, ad nauseam, are.
Bah. Nani I hope you're not affected by this crap. Keep on the good work, don't ever let them shut you up. And Yasmin rock on!!!!!
3:30 PM
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